P.S. do not take this personally. Introduction: You are a 20 year old homeless hobo living in your grandma’s basement, a complete failure with no friends

and no life. You sound like a good guy, right? You are obese and have anger issues. You see how nobody likes you.

Chapter 1 You wake up to the sound of cars speeding across the street, and to your grandma’s deafening snores. You hate it when she does that, which is every night, but you don’t care as long as you have Oreos. You step off your bed to get some Oreos from the kitchen cabinet. You walk up the rickety stairs, but one of them breaks beneath your feet. You really need to lose some weight. You yank your foot out of the hole and realize that your breath stinks and smells like your farts, that’s saying something. You decide to freshen up and head to the bathroom. You walk into your bathroom that is probably infested by rats. You try to reach your toothpaste, but you are too darn short. What do you do? [Get a stool?] [Jump?] [Skip brushing your teeth?] [Get a stool?]

You choose to jump. You jump as high as you can, but sadly you can only jump an inch ‘cuz
You are wayyy too fat. You trip on air as your head gets stuck in the toilet and apparently your bathroom isn’t rat infested, its spider infested. You always Loved 😍 spiders, but sadly, they don’t like you. They climb onto your face and bite you, then your grandma gets a nasty surprise when she takes her morning shower.

FAIL

You choose to get a stool. You walk up to your grandma’s dustymustycrustyrusty closet in the attic, and grab a 3 foot stool, you walk back down the dustymustycrustyrusty attic with the poor ladder trembling under your fat belly. You go back into the probably rat infested bathroom, grab your toothbrush and your poo flavored toothpaste and brush your teeth nice and thoroughly while standing on the stool, your teeth could blind a man, and your breath could kill a man. You love that smell. You walk down the stool but trip and fall into the bathtub. Last night in your depressing bubble bath you didn’t drain it all the way, and there was one inch of water left, and then you realized; you can’t swim! You drown in the bathtub and die a terrible death.

FAIL

You choose to skip brushing your teeth. You think; “Eh, who needs good teeth anyways?”. Instead you just eat a mint. Your teeth are rotting and you have terrible dental hygiene but at least your breath smells nice. Now about those Oreos… You walk back into your bedroom in the basement and break a couple more stairs on your way down. You find your hidden stash of Oreos and eat about 20 entire boxes and gain 50 pounds, you are worried about your health, but don’t really care. Suddenly you realize that you have run out of oreos!!!!! You know that you have to take a dangerous quest outside in order to get to the local CVS. But you have to do it, it is for a worthy cause. You go to the mudroom and grab your XXXL jacket from the target. You are almost blinded by the sunlight when you go outside. You know that there is no time to waste. You sprint as fast as you can while the pavement cracks beneath your feet. You are almost there! Your eyes blind you with joy so much that you bump into a gang in the dark alley. They are armed with knives and fists. The gang leader walks up to you and says “What are you doing here, in my alley!?” What do you do? [Jump over him? ] [Punch him?] [Griddy on him?]

You choose to do the griddy on him. As he is about to punch your guts you start to do the griddy like you are in Fortnite. The gang leader is confused for a second and then he starts to do the griddy with you, and before you know it, everybody is griddying. The gang leader was so impressed by your amazing griddying that he wants you to join the gang. It is tough to say no when they are still holding their knives. So you say yes. The gang is so happy that they agree to throw a party in honor of you joining. You have the time of your life… until you start doing the mountain dew chug contest. You win by a mile but the mountain dew tastes like pee. You start to vomit everywhere including into empty mountain dew bottles, nobody can tell the difference. You vomit for an hour then faint.

FAIL

You choose to jump over him Right before he punches you you decide to jump over him and hope you don’t die. You remember that you have a bad history with jumping, but you do it anyway. You jump about an inch and smack the gang’s leader with your enormous belly. You knock him out cold but you still have the rest of the gang to worry about. Thankfully once you land, you are so fat that you cause an earthquake. A building falls right in front of your face. You are lucky, but the gang members aren’t. You start to run as fast as you can (which is about 1 mile an hour) to the local CVS, afraid that there are still some gang members left. You find the door to the CVS and make a dramatic entrance. Everybody looks at you weird. You find your way into the candy aisle. You grab all of the Oreos and a Coke the size of a large dog. You stumble over to the cashier who looks dead inside. “That’ll’ be 50 dollars you big back.” You are a little bit offended by her insult but don’t really care. Then you realize; You have no cash! You see a 4th grader with his friend and a full wallet, you see no guards at the door. What do you do? [Pounce on the 3rd grader and his friend?] [Make a run for it?] [Eat all your oreos and drink all your coke?]

You choose to punch him. You Throw your arm back and prepare to punch him with all of your power. You never stood a chance. He grabs your fist mid-punch and throws you into the pack of wolves- Err… gang members, they are vicious and do not hold back

FAIL

You choose to pounce on the 3rd grader and his friend. You stare at the little 3rd grader like a lion. He looks all innocent and says to you; “Hi mister.” You stare at him even harder. Suddenly, you jump over him and crush him with your giant back. He screams in pain but you laugh in his face. You snatch his wallet and shove him against the soda tower. He slams and demolishes the soda tower and all of the soda bottles spray around him, he has the time of his life. Meanwhile you give 50 bucks to the cashier and she doesn’t do as much as blinking an eye. You take the bag in which the oreos and Coke are stored, and walk away without looking back. You decide to go to the arcade since you have money that you have rightfully earned. You walk inside and see that the arcade is full of gamers. You also see that your favorite game, Wynncraft, is being played by some short kid. No problem. You walk over to the kid. He hears the giant thumps coming his way, and notices that there is no light around him. He looks up and sees you towering over him. You shove him away and start grinding mobs on Wynncraft. Suddenly, the hybrid of a fox and a goat, Orphion, pops out of nowhere and kills your mage. A death screen appears, saying “You Died! Wynncrafter123 was squashed by Orphion” Earlier, I said you are a big rager, and you are. You ragequit, smash the keyboard with your fists and break the computer. You hear security on their way. What do you do? [Run through security?] [Hide?] [Disguise as a kid playing a game?]

You choose to make a run for it. You sprint out of the door hoping that the staff won’t follow you. You run until you are 5 miles away from CVS. You seem to have lost weight. You shout in victory… right before a truck runs you over. Your bald head blinded him and you were so big, he thought you were a billboard. You were in the middle of the street, y’know.

FAIL

You choose to eat all your Oreos and drink all your Coke. You think you can outsmart them by eating your groceries. What are they going to do? Take it from your mouth? You start to eat like the world’s fattest pig. You eat until you have no more oreos and coke, it didn’t take that long; You drank all the coke in one big gulp, and ate your Oreos like a fat elephant because, you are a fat elephant. Suddenly your vision is blurred, you need to go pee and the world is swirling and moving. You die from diabetes.

FAIL

You choose to disguise as a kid playing a game. You turn around and pretend that you are grinding in fortnite. Security goes to where you smashed the machine. They try to find who smashed, but then they realize the only guy there. They toss you in jail and you stay there for 20 years to clear your name.

FAIL

You choose to run through security. You see security on the other side of the building. You stare at them hard, hard. To them, you look like a hippo, and to you, they look like bowling pins. You start to roll at the speed of light towards security. Right when you are about to smash them, one of them sighed and zapped you with his taser. You black out.

You wake up to find yourself in a cold, dark, and unforgiving prison. You have a toilet that looks like rats use it for a bed, not too different from your old house. You also have a bed, which its cushion and mattress are like bedrock, again, not too different. Your inmate is a buff looking guy with tattoos, he makes you want to hide under the bed sheets and never come out. “ ‘sup new inmate?” says the buff guy with tattoos. He has a golden chain around his neck and is cracking his knuckles ominously. What do you do? [Hide under the bed sheets forever?] [Yell for help?] [Act tough?]

You choose to hide. You start to hide behind an arcade machine as security marches past you. You sigh with relief. Sadly, you are so fat that even your sigh knocked over everything around you, including your hiding place. Security finds you. “What are you doing here?” “Hiding.” “From who?” “You.” He knows that you are guilty and he tosses you into the backseat of his police cruiser. It smells like expired socks back there. You know that smell well, sadly. When your grandma was poorer than she is now (How is that even possible?!), she couldn’t afford a bed for you… that meant you had to sleep in the laundry pile of dirty, expired socks. How did you know that they were expired? You used to eat them. Back to the story. When you got in the backseat the car literally FLIPPED OVER!! BRO, LOSE SOME WEIGHT, LOL :D You die in a car crash.

FAIL

You choose to hide under the bed sheets forever. You Crawl under the bed sheets with the speed of light. You sounded like a T-rex when you were moving, but he did not see where you were. Seconds turned into hours, hours turned into, well, hours. At night your freaky bob inmate went to bed, but then you realized, you were under his bed sheets, not your own! He plops on the bed, killing you in the process. “Huh, would you look at that? Oh well.”

FAIL

You choose to act tough. You talk to him in your manly voice. “What’s up?” you say in your really awkward voice. “Nothing” says mr. buff man. “I’m just bored to death. You wanna arm wrestle?” You sweat so much that it looks like you are made completely out of water. “Sure, heh heh, why not?” You answer back nervously. You both put your arms on the ground, one noodly one, and another, one like beef jerky. You start pushing down on him, he doesn’t waiver. All the sudden he slams his hand on the ground, creating a hole in the ground. You fall through the hole and splat on the ground leaving red goo which will be soooo annoying for the janitor to clean.

FAIL

It ended here, and I remember almost nothing about it and im not in the zone anymore, so i’ll leave it to your imagination to what happens next. (: